On facing mortality

On July 9th, 2012 I received a diagnosis of prostate cancer and was told of my options in a fast moving, mostly one-way discussion with the urologist that I have been seeing for several years. I'm grateful for his diligence and care. It would appear my cancer has been detected early, but we will know more after surgery to remove my prostate gland on Aug 20th.. My faithful wife of more than 40 years was with me to hear the diagnosis, and I know this has impacted her with emotions that I can't really appreciate. And my own mental and emotional struggle over these last few weeks is something she can't full appreciate either. Nevertheless, we will support each other and walk through this time with God's help. I have felt very private about the matter and did not tell many outside my immediate family at first. Gradually I am adjusting to the idea of disclosing the diagnosis. It's not as though I somehow feel it could be kept a secret. Maybe it's silly. Perhaps it's selfish. And right now I am not finding words for this feeling. Anyway, the options presented were: 1) active surveilance which would involve blood tests every 3 months and a biopsy every 6 month, a year or whenever the PSA count indicated. I did not feel I could live with the knowledge of cancer growing and not knowing when it might find its way elsewhere in my body. My elderly father is latter stages with this same disease which was not detected early enough to treat, and I don't want that same result for myself. 2) radiation therapy involves implanting three gold seeds in my prostate. These would act like a vectoring system to guide the radiation treatments which would occur daily for 5 days per week and 4 to 6 weeks. After that PSA tests would continue to monitor levels to determine whether the cancer and prostate were successfully killed. If not, it could then result in surgery which would be more complicated due to the radiation. I did not like this option at all. 3) robotic surgery to remove the prostate seemed to be the least of evils for me. A specialist in this procedure will operate utilizing the Davinci robotic system to remove the prostate gland and some surrounding tissue for pathology analysis. With this method the results are more definitely known, and we should know if the cancer is contained within the gland. With either the surgery option or the radiation option there exists the possibility of impotence or incontinence. Love words, aren't they? This is the part I suppose that I'm struggling with. And the incontinence issue troubles me more than the other. In our discussions with my urologist and with the surgeon we talked about percentages or chances that either of these complications would occur and the chances for cure, etc. But the numbers don't mean much if I'm one of the guys that has the complication. And after surgery I will have incontinence for a period of time. How quickly that improves and to what extent will remain to be seen. Ok, enough of that. What are my feelings? Let's see.. Anger? I don't think so. Not really aware of it. Fear? Yeah, somewhat. Who wants to wear incontinence products? Sadness? May have some of this as well. Our lives are about to change forever. Confusion? I'm pretty definite about my decision on the options. Although my older brother would probably have me trust God for miraculous healing. And my aging parents, bless their hearts, would probably take the head-in-the-sand approach. Not that I discount God's ability to do so, but I just don't sense that He is going to do that. Frustration? Irritability? My wife could attest to these I think. I think now I just want to get the surgery behind me know that the cancer is removed successfully. Or should there be cancer outside the gland then we will deal with it and go from there. On the positive side of the ledger, there are much, much worse diagnoses one could receive. We need not list them. And let's be honest, we all have a terminal disease; it's called mortality. And I'm thankful for the advancements made in treating this disease in recent years. So this is a time for me to do some self examination and think about how I should live from here on. I need to get to work on that. I pray the Lord Jesus Christ would be my guide, my counsel, friend and companion. Lord Jesus, I do need you.